The Night Before I Returned
My life now consists of one suitcase, one carry-on bag, and a backpack. Gosh. I never thought it would come to this, but I could easily live out of my suitcase. I have what I need, even more than that. I did not think that I would be able to do it, but since the airlines decided to charge an extra $25 for a second bag, I had to. I can do a lot of things with $25, and I really do not want to spend it on luggage fees.
So, there is my suitcase, my bag, and my backpack sitting over there. The suitcase is 50 lbs, exactly. That is exactly the same weight of just one of my two suitcases that I came home with. What happened? Two years ago, when I moved home, my life fit into the back of a small “apartment sized” U-Haul. Those were all the things that I thought were essential for me to be able to exist comfortably. I had my CDs full of exotic Arabian, Indian, Persian, and Moroccan music. There was my collection of Geisha dolls that I had just started because I found some really beautiful ones at a thrift store for a few dollars. All of my blankets and sheets were brilliant jewel tones; Mom had raised me on pastels. Even now I have a trunk in the basement with the blankets that I had collected in them – it is a veritable rainbow of fabric and I miss them. The textures and colors were comforting.
As I look around my room, I do not really miss anything but the blankets. Well, and this little golden medal Moroccan mirror that I got for $2 on clearance at World Market. I like it because the styling is very iconic and when I see my reflection it makes me think of a Greek religious Icon. Like we are the Icon. Really, it’s a prayer, but no one would know it but me. Maybe it will be something I will take with me eventually. I do not know.
I wish I could show you my St Joseph statue that is sitting here on my dresser. He is rather chipped, but I love him. The little Jesus cuddles in his arms and it makes me think that St Joseph’s arms must have been such a wonderful place to be. Strong carpenter’s arms; protector’s arms. I love St Joseph.
Oh, and you should see these dead butterflies that hang in a frame on my wall; I think they are creepy, but Mom likes them, for some bizarre reason. Being an animal lover (and bug lover… most bugs) it is like having a cemetery on the wall. Not my taste in decoration; its rather tragic, actually.
There is a computer chair in my room. The exact same chair that we have about 15 of in the Formation House study hall. We had to put them together this past year; the process was familiar. It is strange to think that I sit in the same kind of chair at home and in California.
Then I have this great bright blue on blue dresser that I fished out of someone’s garbage. It was in perfect condition! So I took it for myself and it was a great dresser. While I was in college it was my TV stand and bookshelf. If you opened any of the drawers I did not have what you would expect in the drawers. Many of them contained books turned on their side; much like a spice drawer. Martha Stewart would be proud.
Its hard. It is really hard to leave all of these things. What really is the standard for what one truly needs in life? Is it whatever fits in the baggage allowance? Are they those things which one longs for in awkward moments and tight spots? What is truly essential in life? I thought I knew, but now, like so many things in my life, I am no longer sure of what I know.
But what I do know, is that I have my one suitcase, one carry-on, and my backpack. The suitcase weights 50 lbs and I am going back to New Jersey soon to see my 2nd family; my Salesian Family. For now, I can work with that.
The Day I Returned
Well, here I am. I am spending the night in Paterson with the Sisters. Tomorrow is “Gratitude Day” for the province in which we show our gratitude to our provincial and to one another for all of the blessings and love which we have experienced during the past year. I am so happy to be with my Sisters for it. Salesians really know how to do celebrations right!
I came down with food poisoning last night so I was rather sick feeling this morning when I got to the airport. I did NOT want to get on the plane, but as the flight was only a little over 2 hours I knew I would be able to make it. It just took hutzpah, and I barely had the energy even for that!
My fellow passengers ended up medicating me (I did not look so hot since I had not slept either) and I slept the entire way from Chicago to Newark. It was GREAT. Then after I got my luggage I was only outside for a few minutes when the Sisters pulled up in their van. I felt like I was leaving home anew when I left Chicago, and it was a lot harder this time to leave than when I came to be a candidate, but on the flip side, I also felt more at home with the Sisters this time; like I had left home and to come home. If that makes any sense.
I admit it, I cried last night. I was an emotional mess. Confused. Unsure of myself. Not wanting to leave. Not entirely willing to cast out into the deep with God, but I was able to spend some time in Adoration last night and to talk to a very close friend of mine… someone who has been a great solace and wise support for many years, and it put everything in perspective. All I had to do was get on the plane. Just do it. Trust that God would work everything out for the good; that every pain I feel in leaving family, friends, and what has been familiar to me for 23 years, would somehow come back to me more whole and more wholly loving.
I am a more joyful and peaceful person that the one who first arrived on the Sisters’ doorstep last summer. I do not know what God has planned; I am still not certain that this is my vocation, but I am going to keep discerning until I get an answer one way or another. And I am resolved to enjoy the experience.
