For those who are unfamiliar with how this whole formation process works, we are currently in April, which is the month in which aspirants write petitions to be accepted as postulants, postulants write petitions to be accepted as novices, and so on. From the 15th - 24th of the month (every month) we make a novena to Mary Help of Christians, because our Institute was founded by Don Bosco and Mother Mazzarello to “be a living monument of gratitude” to her. We commemorate her love and guidance on the 24th of every month. April 24th, though, is the day when our petitions are supposed to be handed in. Around May 24th, which is the actual feast day of Mary Help of Christians, we shall find out if we are accepted.
I am not going to sugar coat this and tell you all that I am not nervous. I am definitely nervous. I love this life, I love the Institute, and I love the apostolate/charism, but I have NO IDEA what God is going to say or do in my regard. He may ask me to leave, or he may ask me to continue, or he may ask me to do another year of aspirancy/candidacy. I have no idea. It would be like ripping out part of my heart to leave, but may His will be done. I am not here to do what I want, but what God wants… it is just very hard and kind of scary at times!
It has been a rich year for me. I have grown a lot as a person, especially in the last month (which has been a real roller coaster of experiences and opportunities to trust more, love more, give more, and be more fully convinced of the love of God and of my Sisters). Even with all of the tears and moments of uncertainty, I would not exchange it for anything; I am profoundly grateful for all that I have experienced, no matter what God (and the Sisters) decide.
Recently we received a number of books from another convent and since I do a lot of work in our library labeling and moving books around (perfect job for a bookworm), I got to see them before anyone else. I have to admit, I was a little selfish… I spotted a book with reflections for every day of the year drawn from the letters, conferences, and recollections of Mother Mazzarello and snatched it up. I have been trying to invest more time into building a real relationship with her, so I saw the book as an opportunity to learn from her. I have not been disappointed.
One of the reflections directly addressed the nervous feeling I am trying to prevent from overcoming me. Mother said:
I am glad that you are well and that you work and study, but I should like you to be cheerful all the time. You must not think of the future. Think only of perfecting yourself in virtue and in the work and studies of the moment. When the moment of sacrifice comes, be sure that God will give you the strength to do His holy will.
Phew. Ok, so basically she is saying to me to dwell in the present moment, which is my resolution for this year, so I think I can do that! Whenever I have a moment of melt-down, though, I have found myself going to her and asking for her help and prayers. She never fails… Whereas I do go to Don Bosco for so many things, I have found that my relationship with Mother Mazzarello, as this point, is really one of bearing my heart to her and asking her guidance (I do the same with Don Bosco, but it is very different with a woman saint!). I did not expect it to be that way, but she has been so good with somehow communicating with me what she wants me to know (either through people, places, events or so on), that I cannot help but feel a great confidence in her now. I am very fond of her. As much as I dislike the way certain books about her are written, it is true that she is a remarkable and gifted woman. I can only hope that I shall be allowed the privilege of following in her footsteps as a FMA.
