It has been a week since I posted and it has been a very fruitful time here at the formation house. I thought about blogging, but I had to be realistic about where I was putting my energy.

Our community has struggled lately because two of our twelve discerned that God was calling them elsewhere for now. It was really hard to say goodbye to them, even though we had only know each one for only two months. We cannot really underestimate how living with someone really bonds you, even if you do not speak the same language (literally) or are from totally different backgrounds.

Sr Mary, who teaches our Creed class, told me that you have to be flexible in religious life, because situations within it change as often as the moon.  I am getting a touch of that now…. and I am sure that more will come, but at least I now have been through it once with the community and have a better sense of how to respond.

It has been really hard. I will not lie to you and say that I did not question what I was doing here when we all seemed to be falling apart from the stress and confusion, but then I went out with the kids at recess and I though, “Oh yeah, THAT is why I am here. I am here for Christ and Christ in the young. AHHHH!”

I really did moan to God. I was not born an optimist, which is my greatest disadvantage. It is irksome to be surrounded by so many of them, but at least they keep reminding me to keep my cup full, and my umbrella yellow.

There is so much that happened in the past few days to make me even more grateful for the people whom God has placed around me, so full of wisdom and insight, and so willing to listen to us and our feelings about things, that I cannot even put words to it.

(Oh, guess what? We shall be at the NCYC in Columbus, OH in November! Maybe I will see some of you there!)  

Since I have reached a point of profound peace (for the moment!) with this life, it might be a good time to review and entry from July, a few weeks before I entered. I listed all of my “What Ifs” about what this life would be like and now I can answer some of them.

WHAT IF:

• they do not like me

I am pretty sure they like me. I know my companions love me, and my Formator is a very holy woman… so even if she does not like me, I definitely feel loved by her (especially since we reached a point of really understanding each other this past week).

• I do not like them

But I do!

• my Mistress (Formator) is like sandpaper on an open sore

Hardly. She does expect things of us that were not part of my life before I entered, but nothing is unrealistic and nonsensical given the life choice we have made. She is a wonderful woman and I can see how hard she has been trying to connect and understand us, even though our generations are completely different. I had trouble seeing that at first, but after going out on a limb with her and hearing the reflections of the Sisters that visited, I can see her in a much better light now and appreciate what a beautiful woman she is.

• I cannot stand to get up before daylight

It is not easy, but as the Vocation Director told me to, I do not get up early for the rest of my life, I get up early just for today. It makes it easier, plus going to bed before 9:30pm also makes a HUGE difference!

• I am always falling asleep during the day

It has only happened twice, and both times I either had a terrible cold, or I had not slept the night before. Both times I was sent to bed by the Sisters. I have NEVER been so happy to go to bed.

• I cannot sleep at night

I am doing fine with that. I am so busy during the day that once I start to go to sleep I am out like a light!

• I am too crabby in the morning and I annoy everyone

Ha. Well, I do not think I have been crabby, but as to annoying everyone, I cannot say. There are things I am trying to work on, but I do not think I am as obnoxious as I could be.

• I never like coffee and end up having to make myself tea and its an annoyance, so I give it up and I feel left out because everyone else is drinking coffee (I told you they were random)

Man, was I paranoid.

• I absolutely hate the food

Umm… it is different from what I am used to, but I have been able to get what I need in order to take care of myself. Plus, it is better than what I had at home, so in the end it all balances out.

• they eat a lot of dairy products (lactose intolerant!)

They really do. I have been flying through lactaid pills.

• they eat pork…. ew

It is called “making a sacrifice”. I have only had it three times since I have been here. (Deo gratias.)

• the aspirant outfit is just too dang uncomfortable

The aspirant outfit is a lot more comfortable than it seems. It is nice to not have to think about what to wear each day.

• I end up having to spend a small fortune on pantyhose (yes… we have to wear the awful stuff)

NO PANTYHOSE! YAHOO! The Sister who made my skirts made them long enough for me to wear knee highs. PROBLEM SOLVED.

• I hold a grudge against someone and cannot seem to get over it and it disrupts the community life

I have had some difficulties, I spoke with my formator, I did what I had to do to communicate and grow, and I am getting over it. You really cannot live this life without communication.

• I take myself too seriously

I still do.

• I cannot get over myself

I think that is going to be a lifelong process!

• I worry about doing things wrong instead of just trying to do my best

Really not an issue… you just have to accept yourself, your limitations, and try. I guess having the attitude of “I am here for a year” rather than the rest of my life makes it easier, too. I am trying to discern this vocation one step at a time, but I think I would be very happy in this life if this is where God wants me fore the rest of my life.

• I miss my male friends and I feel like I am dying for the chance just to hang out with a guy (I have a lot of great guy friends…)

I do miss them a lot. That has been hard, but participating in the life of the community and being honest with myself given me a space in which to discern even those relationships. I do have interactions with guys, but given the life, it is different.

• decide it is not for me? Then what do I do?

Peacefully leave… ! The Sisters do not treat someone who leaves as if there is something wrong with them; they are very gracious and loving.

• they decide its not for me but I do not feel the same way? Will I be totally heartbroken?

If I am honest about myself, I doubt that would happen. I think we will see eye-to-eye about it, if that is what God wills.

• I feel pressured

Nope.

• I act fake

Ha. Nope.

• I packed too much stuff

I packed a lot of stationery. Evidentially convents have a LOT of stationery… at least this one. So I am good on the stationery!

• I did not pack enough stuff

I forgot lay clothes, but one of the Sisters gave me some extra things she had.

• I loose my bags at the airport

Didn’t happen, thanks be to God.

• I loose my relics at the airport (tears, for sure…)

Still have them.

• get super bored with going to Mass everyday

Not at all, especially now that I have this very holy lady that I get to help stand and sit down at Mass. (I think her knees are really bad). She keeps me on my toes.

• my family smothers me when I come home on visits and it makes me feel like I want to run away from everything or just scream for at least three minutes

I will let you know about that when that time comes!

• my mom never accepts that I am an adult now and I HAVE to make decisions about my life before I wake up one day and realize I am 34 and everything looks bleak

She has finally accepted it, especially now that she sees that I am happy.

• my parents die while I am in formation… what will happen to my brother?
• my dad dies… mom will lose the house…
• mom dies… dad cannot stand to take care of my brother himself
• I die… eh, not so bad… (not that I am wishing for it)
• I cannot get over my dog dying while I was in the convent (it is going to happen…)
• I never get to have a dog of my own
• I have to live with someome who tries to hurt me

We will cross those bridges when we get to them, but I know it will be OK. A lot has happened since I have been here, and it has been OK. God did not call me here to abandon me.

• I feel trapped

Sometimes I feel like I am crawling the walls, but it does not last long. Long walks and trying to figure out why I feel frustrated usually solves it.

• end up teaching and find out I hate it

I love it… more than I ever thought I would… at least I love teaching religious ed!

• take my final vows and feel totally empty
• what if these stupid, nervous “what ifs” NEVER END??????????????????????????

I have no idea what the future is going to hold, but God is here in the NOW and he will be there in the THEN if it happens, so I am beginning to realize that the “what ifs” truly are stupid. (Thank God!)

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