Well, my dinner with the person (see post below) turned out OK. I set a time limit of when I needed to leave and stuck by it, so that kept me sane and feeling like I had a sense of control over what was happening. Everyone (including me, if you can believe it) were on their best behavior.
I arranged a “reward” for myself and met up with some friends after. It was a good night.
I am feeling better about the “what-ifs” that I talked about before. I guess I just feel really “empty” right now. If God sneezed I’d probably split into a million pieces because I feel so worn out from all that is happening. I LOVE seeing my friends, but this fatalistic “we will never see you again” is driving me crazy. I am not becoming a cloistered nun, for heaven’s sake!
I am not even sure if I am becoming a nun. I am going into the aspirancy to discern more and see if religious life is for me. I think it might be, but who can ever be certain? More than anything this week I have realized that I am not absolutely certain that it is for me, and that, instead of making me feel bad, actually makes me feel better. It is OK to admit if I am not called to religious life. I should not feel like that is a shameful thing, in fact, what I really want is to do God’s will, so if people look down upon me for that TOO BAD.
On the other hand, it is also OK to admit that I love it and could not dream of being anywhere else, if that is how I so end up feeling. Hopefully the community and I will be simpatico about it. 
I am SO ready to go right now and just start this great adventure already! The anticipation is the worst part of all of this.
Last night I spent a lot of time with Jesus. I had the privilege of late night adoration, so it was totally silent and dark (which is how I like my prayer environment to be). I basically spiritually collapsed in front of Him; I did not need to say too much. He knows what I am going through - I tell Him everything during the day. It felt like it was more about just being with Him last night than needing to fill the darkness with the shattering of words. I even fell asleep for a while, but it was the best sleep I have had in about a month. (Thank you, Lord!)
I took the long train ride home today. I sat outside Union Station during my layover and shared my lunch with the pigeons and sea gulls. It was a nice hour. During my train time I continued to read The Intimate Merton ,
That book has been a grace. I think that Fr Merton has been keeping me reasonably sane. Maybe it is because we share the vocation of the writer, but I can relate so well to his feelings before entering religious life, his fears about his writings, his concerns about having such a big ego, his worries that he is in the wrong place… his discernment that his journals record as if they are a poetic disaster.
As I was reading the journal entries I realized that discernment must be a lot like those moon bouncers that kids love. They are great fun, but when you want to stand up on your own, it is REALLY HARD unless everyone becomes still for a minute and stops ricocheting off of the walls. In a word, you are not going to get anywhere by being really upset. It is an adventure, a new experience, a new sense of yourself, and scary all at the same time. For me, that is a Moon Bounce.
Tomorrow I intend to write to Fr Merton’s abbey and see if I can get some relic of him. Perhaps some might consider it horrible of me to say this, but I think his relic would mean so much more to me than most of the other ones that I have. Yes, I love all my saints, but Thomas Merton and I share a similar streak that has helped me to stay strong through some of the roughest parts of my life. He is a saint to me.
If anyone has a relic they do not care for, you can always send it to me! 
Adios for now.
