Posted by: intothedeep | July 24, 2007

The Stupid What Ifs?

I am probably going to look back on this blog in a year and laugh… and then answer all of these and how they turned out. For now, I think I am going to post all of those random “what ifs” that are coming to my mind about religious life (and me in it!!!). Some woman considering becoming a nun might someday find it encouraging to know that she is not alone…

My current “what-ifs” with 10 days before entrance:

WHAT IF:

  • they do not like me
  • I do not like them
  • my Mistress is like sandpaper on an open sore
  • I cannot stand to get up before daylight
  • I am always falling asleep during the day
  • I cannot sleep at night
  • I am too crabby in the morning and I annoy everyone
  • I never like coffee and end up having to make myself tea and its an annoyance, so I give it up and I feel left out because everyone else is drinking coffee (I told you they were random)
  • I absolutely hate the food
  • they eat a lot of dairy products (lactose intolerant!)
  • they eat pork…. ew
  • the aspirant outfit is just too dang uncomfortable
  • I end up having to spend a small fortune on pantyhose (yes… we have to wear the awful stuff)
  • I hold a grudge against someone and cannot seem to get over it and it distrupts the community life
  • I take myself too seriously
  • I cannot get over myself
  • I worry about doing things wrong instead of just trying to do my best
  • I miss my male friends and I feel like I am dying for the chance just to hang out with a guy (I have a lot of great guy friends…)
  • decide it is not for me? Then what do I do?
  • they decide its not for me but I do not feel the same way? Will I be totally heartbroken?
  • I feel pressured
  • I act fake
  • I packed too much stuff
  • I did not pack enough stuff
  • I loose my bags at the airport
  • I loose my relics at the airport (tears, for sure…)
  • get super bored with going to Mass everyday
  • my family smothers me when I come home on visits and it makes me feel like I want to run away from everything or just scream for at least three minutes
  • my mom never accepts that I am an adult now and I HAVE to make decisions about my life before I wake up one day and realize I am 34 and everything looks bleak
  • my parents die while I am in formation… what will happen to my brother?
  • my dad dies… mom will lose the house…
  • mom dies… dad cannot stand to take care of my brother himself
  • I die… eh, not so bad… (not that I am wishing for it)
  • I cannot get over my dog dying while I was in the convent (it is going to happen…)
  • I never get to have a dog of my own
  • I have to live with someome who tries to hurt me
  • I feel trapped
  • end up teaching and find out I hate it
  • take my final vows and feel totally empty
  • what if these stupid, nervous “what ifs” NEVER END???????????????????????????////

I have had some completely awful dreams ever since I submitted my application. I hope that they let up some time soon. In them I am usually dying or being attacked. It is so scary. I am sick of dreaming. I just want to wake up and stop being afraid of everything that I am going to experience.

Why am I afraid to let myself look foward to entering the convent? It just seems like every time I look forward to something it ends up not coming through. I guess I am being cynical and waiting for God to prove me wrong (begging Him to, really). I am ready to finally be fulfilled in life instead of trying to fulfill myself through studies and the accolades of my educational community. Vanity of vanities and all is vanities!

Is it normal for me to feel like this? I WISH PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT HOW THEY FELT MORE! They talk about being nervous, but never about the fear or in enough detail to be a consolation to those of us trying to enter without freaking out at the airport on the way to the convent and hiding in the bathroom.

And what is with these women dressing to the nines before they enter? I do not have clothing like that. I am going in in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Gosh. I do have a Prom dress I never got to wear that I got on clearance for $14. I always wanted to wear that, but it would be awkward on the plane. eh. It is just clothing, I guess. I will miss being comfortable, though. I do so HATE panty hose and vests.

Stupid vests.

Who ever invented them anyway? They are just bibs that cover your back. And pantyhose? It is like covering your legs in spiderweb? WHY? TO WHAT PURPOSE, I ASK YOU?

Stupid pantyhose.

I do not want to leave my friends. I finally have real, honest to goodness friends whom I can count on to bail me out of tight jams and NOW God calls me to the convent. I guess he could not call me when I did not have anything to offer him, eh?

Yet, we cannot give him something without getting it back 1,000 fold, right? Just when I gave up all hope of becoming a nun… I am now entering the convent. ugh.

I have never been this scared before. It is not an adrenaline type fear… it is more a deep ache in the pit on my stomach and a bit of restlessness before I fall asleep at night. It is a spectre that haunts my mind and will appear to me at the most random moments and with the most distorted features. I know this fear is not reality, and it is blowing everything WAY out of proportion, but in a weird way there is a comfort in entertaining it; part of me seems to think that by considering all of these stupid what-ifs I can somehow not have to deal with them later? WRONG.

I know I will have to deal with these things; they ARE a part of being human, but I hardly think that they will be in the heart racing, drama-llama type way that I am forseeing them at the moment. Also half of them are probably just ridiculous. 

Stupid what ifs.

Posted in Discernment

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Responses

The only thing you are really required to do in formation is breathe and listen. Big deep breathes, every few seconds, and listen to God and your heart. The rest will fall into place as it should be…what if God knows exactly where you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to be doing? What if God provides you with exactly what you need at the exact moment you need it? What if God lavishes blessings on you in new and surprising ways? Big deep breathes.

By: Anne Marie on July 24, 2007
at 7:38 am

*takes a big deep breath*

I think I like that… ;)

By: intothedeep on July 24, 2007
at 8:41 am

Thank you for sharing this. For those of us who aren’t familiar with the process of entering religious life (new convert here) this helps me appreciate following the call to religious vocation all the more!

Have you asked any of the saints of their guidance? I say that because just a couple nights ago I was reading My Life With the Saints and Fr. Martin talks about how he was gripped by overwhelming doubt right before he made his final vows (not sure if that’s the correct term), but that asking for a certain saint’s intercession really helped him find peace.

By: Jennifer F. on July 24, 2007
at 3:04 pm

That is a great point. I do ask St John Bosco to help me… and right now I am finishing an icon of St Rafqa, which is REALLY helping me to reflect and center more. The icon had been lost and now it was returned! YAY!

I will post pics when I am done with it. ;)

By: intothedeep on July 24, 2007
at 4:22 pm

What if you have Sisters who love you for who you are?
What if God Loves you so much that HE has CALLED you and HE will take care of it?
What if I like coffee ? but just for fun… I like tea better but I dont drink either in the morning ?
What if you like panty hose so much that you decide that you will sleep in them every night?
Dont Worry Brittany, that is what Discernment is all about!!!
I cant wait to get out there with you to find out all these what if’s and more!
Remember to Trust!!!

By: Kelly on July 24, 2007
at 5:33 pm

and PS I am a little scared too! And its Ok to be! Its a BIG DEAL!

By: Kelly on July 24, 2007
at 5:35 pm

I’d be worried if you weren’t worried, confused, excited, anxious, happy, etc… all thrown together into one confusing mess. I think that’s totally natural - it’s how i felt anyway.

My advice for the potential sleeping problems? Bring some tylenol pm with you. That’s what I did. I had insomnia for a week before I entered, and I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to sleep in the Novitiate either. I don’t think I even ended up using the stuff but just having it kept my mind off worrying about sleep.

I’m holding you in prayer as the countdown continues!

Sr. Susan

By: susan rose, csjp on July 24, 2007
at 6:02 pm

Kelly - You are awesome. I hope things are coming together on your end — it will be fun to live with you! :)

Sr Susan — FANTIASTIC idea. :) I will have to get some. :D

By: intothedeep on July 24, 2007
at 6:12 pm

Kelly is right :)

What if you enter and you find the greatest love of your life? Religious life is LIFE - an adventure - lived to the fullest. Sure…it’s challenging but so is life.

Know that I am holding you in prayer as your entrance date approaches. I’m so excited for you.

Peace and God’s blessings….

By: sr betsy on July 24, 2007
at 7:57 pm

Oy, Brittany, I think we women sometimes sweat the details so much, we work ourselves into a panic. Now go read St. Luke Chapter 12 v.22-34. Then go do something fun!

By: Patty on July 25, 2007
at 6:45 am

That is quite a list. Entering comnunity was the most exciting, terrifying experience. Bonaventure’s coindence of opposites helped me. If an experience can be two seemingly opposite things at once, chances are it comes from God, who is the only One who can pull that off! Blessing on your countdown! I entered on Sept. 15 2001, yes, just after 9/11. That REALLY put things in perspective! Your feelings are quite normal!

Peaceandallgood!

By: Gayle OSF on July 25, 2007
at 10:48 am

Wow. You’ve asked my own questions and then some. I discerned for awhile, and I’m pretty sure I’m not called, but your list of questions makes me ask one more time….are you SURE????

You are certain enough to take this step, and God bless you for it.

Guess what? God sometimes asks us to jump. You’re jumping. There’s no other way to do this.

Oh, and by the way, I just turned 33, realized the bleakness of my life, and I jumped, too, by quitting a job I have hated since it began, and which I only took because I was unemployed. I’m jumping ship. My last day is in a week.

I might lose everything, including one dog who is literally dying of cancer, and the other who is healthy…and my house, and my credit rating, etc.

Don’t worry about whether you will like them or whether they will like you. Worry aobut what God’s will is, and ask Him to reveal it, and if you are making a mistake anywhere in your life, ask Him to fix it for you. Be humble and willing to accept God’s love for you.

That’s the biggest thing…jump…trust…and ask God to fix your errors.

That’s life. Live it.

By: Julie on July 26, 2007
at 7:25 pm

I think the easiest answer is Our Lord’s: “sufficient for the day is the evil thereof.”

But here are some line by line answers for you (some come with a tongue-in-cheek-alert, hopefully which will be obvious):

# they do not like me <– then you will have many occasions to love your enemy

# I do not like them <– you will merit more by loving them

# my Mistress is like sandpaper on an open sore <–you will merit more by obeying her

# I cannot stand to get up before daylight <– you will be provided the occasion to mortify your flesh

# I am always falling asleep during the day <– you will learn humility

# I cannot sleep at night <– Our Lord loved all-night vigils :)

# I am too crabby in the morning and I annoy everyone <– then you will provide an occasion for your sisters to practice charity

# I never like coffee and end up having to make myself tea and its an annoyance, so I give it up and I feel left out because everyone else is drinking coffee (I told you they were random) <– ok, wow, that is real random…

# I absolutely hate the food <– many Saints have said that the perfection of conquest over the sin of gluttony is to have no preference in what is eaten…

# they eat a lot of dairy products (lactose intolerant!) <– fasting is good for you : )

# they eat pork…. ew <– see above

# the aspirant outfit is just too dang uncomfortable <– just think how much easier the next step to the hair shirt will be

# I end up having to spend a small fortune on pantyhose (yes… we have to wear the awful stuff) <– Vow of Poverty, remember? :)

# I hold a grudge against someone and cannot seem to get over it and it distrupts the community life <– novena to St. Therese of the Child Jesus, ‘nuf said

# I take myself too seriously <– send me an email, I’ll make fun of you, free of charge :)

# I cannot get over myself <– see above

# I worry about doing things wrong instead of just trying to do my best <– novena to St. Francis de Sales

# I miss my male friends and I feel like I am dying for the chance just to hang out with a guy (I have a lot of great guy friends…) <– novena to St. Joseph

# decide it is not for me? Then what do I do? <– the same thing you should do every day, the Will of God as best as you can see it

# they decide its not for me but I do not feel the same way? Will I be totally heartbroken? <– from experience, I can tell you both yes and no. Yes, because you will be utterly lost with the phrase “now what?” going through your mind 100 times an hour — and No, because God will never abandon those who do not abandon Him, and will use the occasion to purge you of a thousand secret faults you never knew you had.

# I feel pressured <– just remember that there’s nothing at stake but your eternal salvation :)

# I act fake <– have the courtesy to thank the nice sister who calls you on your BS

# I packed too much stuff <– that much more to give to the poor

# I did not pack enough stuff <– Vow of Poverty, remember?

# I loose my bags at the airport <– then you will have an excuse for not having any pantyhose

# I loose my relics at the airport (tears, for sure…) <– all that is not God is expendable

# get super bored with going to Mass everyday <– just think how much less fun it was for Him

# my family smothers me when I come home on visits and it makes me feel like I want to run away from everything or just scream for at least three minutes <– you’ll enjoy the convent that much more when you get back!

# my mom never accepts that I am an adult now and I HAVE to make decisions about my life before I wake up one day and realize I am 34 and everything looks bleak <– this isn’t really a what if, since no mother has ever realized that her child is an adult; I’m pretty sure Our Lady is still saying, “Jesus, did you remember to govern all of creation through your Providence today?” “Yes, mother, I am omniscient, you know” That is the *real* reason Our Lady is Mediatrix of All Grace, is that Jesus knows He couldn’t send any grace anywhere without her checking up on it, anyway.

# my parents die while I am in formation… what will happen to my brother? <– “A sparrow does not fall to the ground…”

# my dad dies… mom will lose the house… <– “not even Solomon in all his glory was arrayed as one of these…”

# mom dies… dad cannot stand to take care of my brother himself <– “my grace is sufficient for thee, for power is made perfect in infirmity.”

# I die… eh, not so bad… (not that I am wishing for it) <– that’s the spirit!

# I cannot get over my dog dying while I was in the convent (it is going to happen…)
# I never get to have a dog of my own <– ask St. John Bosco to let you borrow his

# I have to live with someome who tries to hurt me <– just think, you might get your own feast day

# I feel trapped <– they’re only perpetual vows, it’s not like they last forever…just until you die…and that’s really a small minority of your time, if you think about it.

# end up teaching and find out I hate it <– novena to St. Thomas

# take my final vows and feel totally empty <– novena to St. John of the Cross

But above all, remember what St. Teresa of Jesus said: “God knows all things, He can do all things, and He loves me.” That’s really all you need to know.

By: Paul on July 27, 2007
at 1:48 am

Congratulations!

It’s normal to have cold feet whenever we take a serious comitment… quite frankly, just after getting married, I kept asking myself if I was at the right place, if I should not have stuck to my first plan and become a sister back when I was a teenager, etc. If you went that far in your commitment, you are probably at the right place (you’ll find out for sure in a little while!).

As for the things that worry you, breathe in, God will take care of it! :)

By: Pascale on July 27, 2007
at 8:00 am

He did not say, You will never have a rough passage, you will never be over-strained, you will never feel uncomfortable, but he did say You will never be overcome.

- Julian of Norwich in Revelations of Divine Love :)

By: sr betsy on July 27, 2007
at 8:02 am

Patty - Yes, total female emotional freakout. I took a dose of cheesecake this morning. Thank God for cheesecake (cures all ills). hah

Sr Gayle - Wow… I cannot imagine entering after 9/11. Surely this is God’s work… yep. He has a very odd sense of timing, doesn’t He? It makes so sense at the time, but later on it makes you go, “Hmmm..”

Julie - “Are you SURE???” Nope, but I might as well give it a try! Is anyone ever sure? You are right, I have to jump.

Paul - “# I take myself too seriously <– send me an email, I’ll make fun of you, free of charge ” I might just have to take you up on that! You raise GREAT points. :) But seriously, a hairshirt! yikes! ;)

Pascale - You know, I was thinking about how I feel last night and wondering if I would feel this nervous prior to getting married. I think that the answer is “probably”.

Sr Betsy - That is an AWESOME quote. I think I am going to have to write that into my breviary for the convent! :)

Thank you all so much… having your thoughts and support is really great.

By: intothedeep on July 27, 2007
at 9:18 am

[...] am feeling better about the “what-ifs” that I talked about before. I guess I just feel really “empty” right now. If God sneezed I’d probably split [...]

By: 7 Days… that is a week, right? « Casting out into the deep, in a JPII sort of way… on July 27, 2007
at 5:38 pm

I don’t know much about religious discernment since my call was quite clearly to the married life. But I thought it was interesting that so many of your worries sound just like the ones I had before I got engaged. I guess being an aspirant is something like the dating/engagement process and thus not so foreign after all.

I tell my friends who are preparing for marriage that all the doubts and fears are normal. If you aren’t having them, you aren’t taking the whole thing seriously enough. That said, I found that once I was engaged and actively planning for the wedding, the fears soon began to quell. The closer we got to the wedding date, the less and less anxious I felt. I just knew I was following God’s plan.

I suspect the same will be true of the religious life. Once you are begin in your aspirancy (is that the right word?), you will find that the fears and anxieties melt away, one by one.

By: MelanieBett on July 27, 2007
at 7:05 pm

Hi Melanie,

That is interesting. I have never known anyone who was getting married well enough to really participate in the emotional process which they went through… so thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Aspirancy is the right word. ;)

By: intothedeep on July 27, 2007
at 7:15 pm

“But seriously, a hairshirt! yikes! ;)”

Wuss :) St. Francis had one of them before he even entered religious life (says the man in his 100% cotton shirt and dockers… ;)

By: Paul on July 27, 2007
at 11:22 pm

Wuss? Nah. I just have sensitive skin. ;)

By: intothedeep on July 28, 2007
at 8:52 am

Speaking of sensitive skin… wearing a scapular makes me break out in welts and sores … so.. yep. I think a hair shirt would be downright pure torment.

I would need a LOT of bandaids!

By: intothedeep on July 28, 2007
at 8:53 am

Thanks for this post Brittany. I can’t believe I just stumbled into your blog. It’s fantastic and SO helpful. I’m 15 days away from beginning postulancy (although we call it pre-novitiate) and I’m terrified! Seriously, seriously scared and yet somehow still doing it?!
Nice to not feel alone in the fear. I hope you’re feeling great now you’re in it, or at least a bit less frightened.
Oh, and can I just say that my order doesn’t have a habit so I’m also in the middle of “what clothes will I actually need?” dilemmas. These things shouldn’t be important but somehow they little things feel huge. Maybe because the huge things are just too big to think.
Blessings my dear, Sarah

By: Sarah on August 15, 2007
at 4:50 pm

Sarah — Welcome to the blog! I am glad that my little thoughts are helpful - it was my hope that they would be. :)

Ha. yes the clothing issue is the biggest pain. I know I am going to need at least one more pair of pants. good times.

God bless!

By: intothedeep on August 18, 2007
at 11:51 pm

[...] of profound peace (for the moment!) with this life, it might be a good time to review and entry from July, a few weeks before I entered. I listed all of my “What Ifs” about what this life would [...]

By: A Recap « Casting out into the deep, in a JPII sort of way… on October 19, 2007
at 9:52 pm

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