Jesus called his apostles and they weren’t ready.

Jesus called Peter, but Peter was unfaithful,
Peter was weak,
Peter had a bad temper,
Peter lacked courage,
Peter wasn’t ready.

Jesus called James and John, but James and John were ambitious.
James and John followed Jesus for the wrong reason.
James and John followed Jesus for their own glory,
James and John lacked purity of motivation,
James and John weren’t ready.

Jesus called Philip, but Philip was blind.
Philip couldn’t see a spiritual reality if he tripped over it,
Philip lacked intelligence and insight,
Philip wasn’t ready.

Jesus called Judas, but Judas was untrustworthy.
Judas was more interested in money than the kingdom,
Judas was a loner who slunk off at night,
Judas lacked integrity,
Judas wasn’t ready.

Jesus called Matthew, but Matthew was a crook.
Matthew was money hungry,
Matthew had hurt people,
Matthew lacked an honest past,
Matthew wasn’t ready.

Jesus called Thomas, but Thomas lacked faith.
Thomas was a doubter,
Thomas wasn’t around enough,
Thomas lacked trust in the invisible,
Thomas wasn’t ready.

Jesus called Andrew, but Andrew was a cynic.
Andrew could not take Jesus’ words seriously,
Andrew still had the eyes of the world,
Andrew lacked maturity,
Andrew wasn’t ready.

Jesus called Simon the Zealot, but Simon was a militant.
Simon had a belligerent streak,
Simon was a social justice type,
Simon lacked nuance,
Simon wasn’t ready.

Jesus called Luke, but Luke wasn’t tough enough.
Luke was too gentle,
Luke couldn’t face the hard confrontation the gospel asks,
Luke lacked the courage for prophecy,
Luke wasn’t ready.

Jesus called Mark, but Mark was a stoic.
Mark was a neurotic,
Mark made an ideology out of suffering,
Mark lacked joy and optimism,
Mark wasn’t ready.

Jesus called Bartholomew and James the Lesser, but Bartholomew and James the Lesser lacked talent.
Bartholomew and James had little to contribute,
Bartholomew and James were shy introverts,
Bartholomew and James the Lesser lacked charisma,
Bartholomew and James the Lesser weren’t ready.

And today, Jesus calls us.
And we, we lack
courage, purity of motivation, intelligence,
and insight, integrity, an honest past,
trust in the invisible, maturity, nuance,
courage for prophecy, joy and optimism,
charisma.

We, we aren’t ready, but the thing is…
Jesus doesn’t call the ready
Jesus calls the willing.
(The Thirteenth Apostle by Joan Chittester Winds of Change 1986)

I ran across that poem last night and I thought it was simply fabulous. Among those whom I am in contact with, most of us who are entering feel kind of shocked that it is actually happening. We knew God would eventually call us when the time was right… but we thought it would be right for us, too!! (Not in the middle of college, in the middle of a great job, in the middle of fantastic life plans that gave up on religious life!)

…For you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night (1 Thess 5:2).

Like a thief in the night, indeed! I had all of these plans, all of these opportunities opening up to me. I had every priority in my life but God and had completely given up on becoming a nun (I got very discouraged with my discernment which ended up being eight years), yet when I was NOT expecting Him, He told me His will and I was terrified. In retrospect, I cannot even remember the mental process that lead to my shooting off an email to Sr Colleen. (I also recall wishing that I could “take it back”!)

What do you mean, Lord? NOW?! Why NOW?! I sough you for many years and you left me in darkness and NOW you want me to enter the convent??!!!??

I would be lying if I did not admit to being a little peeved at the Lord at first. Seriously, you think God is no longer calling you because you have been running around in circles, so you start dating again, start opening yourself up to more experiences that perhaps you would have shied away from (both good and bad!) and THEN, when you are not so focused on your discernment, God finally can slip in and tell you His will… otherwise you are all togther just too deaf.

I obviously speak from experience.

So… if you are discerning, lighten up a little bit and have some fun in life. Experience things, party with friends, have a good time (if only you keep from sin, as St John Bosco said!) but DO NOT make your life hinge on your discernment like I did. I’ve learned and now I know! I see many young people in discernment acting as I did…. so intense about it. I think they would do better to relax a bit and not act like the whole process depends upon them. Of course one must seek God, but God also has a role in it!

As a good friend of mine likes to say, “Chillaxy.” (Somehow that means chill out, relax… weird word, but it is fun to say!)

There is a big difference between banging your head on a wall and praying in the presence of the Lord, but if you do not realize it, you may not notice! (It took me a while to notice!)

 

 

 

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